In this episode, I had the pleasure of speaking with Michelle Blais, a passionate elementary school teacher with over 17 years of experience. Michelle's mission is to instill confidence and resilience in children through the development of a growth mindset. As a recovering perfectionist herself, Michelle uses the strategies she teaches to transform her mindset and regulate her nervous system. She now dedicates herself to empowering parents with these proven techniques.
One of the clearest lessons I've learned from hosting this podcast is how profoundly our mindset influences every aspect of our lives. Our happiness, accomplishments, satisfaction, resilience, and confidence all stem from our mindset. It's crucial to develop this mindset early, especially in children, to equip them with the necessary tools to thrive. Developing a growth mindset in children is more than a beneficial practice; it is a transformative approach that not only enhances their academic and personal growth but also prepares them to navigate the complexities of an ever-changing world. By instilling resilience and a love for learning, we equip the next generation with the tools to achieve their fullest potential.
The concept of growth and fixed mindsets, introduced by Carol Dweck, has revolutionized our understanding of personal development. A growth mindset is the belief that abilities and intelligence can be developed through effort and perseverance. In contrast, a fixed mindset is the belief that these qualities are static and unchangeable.
A child's mindset significantly influences their approach to learning and challenges. Those with a growth mindset view challenges as opportunities to learn and grow. They embrace effort as a path to mastery and understand that failure is a part of the learning process. Conversely, children with a fixed mindset may shy away from challenges, fearing failure and often giving up easily.
Parents play a crucial role in shaping their child's mindset. Through intentional language and behavior, parents can foster a growth mindset in their children. Here's how:
1. Praise Effort, Not Talent: One common mistake parents make is praising innate abilities rather than effort. Instead of saying, "You're so smart," say, "I’m proud of how hard you worked on that problem." This shifts the focus from fixed traits to the process of learning and growth.
2. Teach About the Brain: Children find it fascinating to learn how their brains work. Explain to them that their brain grows stronger and forms new connections every time they tackle a difficult task. Use fun activities and books that illustrate these concepts in an engaging way.
3. Encourage Resilience: Teach children that setbacks are a natural part of learning. Share stories of famous failures who eventually succeeded through perseverance. Emphasize that effort and persistence are the keys to overcoming obstacles.
4. Model a Growth Mindset: Children learn a lot by observing their parents. Show them how you handle challenges and setbacks. Talk about your own learning experiences and how you overcome difficulties. Demonstrate that learning is a lifelong process.
5. Create a Safe Environment for Failure: Allow children to take risks and make mistakes without fear of harsh judgment. When they do fail, discuss what they learned from the experience and how they can apply that knowledge in the future. This helps them see failure as a valuable part of the learning process.
Fostering a growth mindset in children is a powerful way to prepare them for future success. By focusing on effort, teaching about the brain, and encouraging self-regulation, we can help our children develop the resilience and confidence they need to navigate life's challenges. Remember, changing the world starts with changing our approach to parenting.
Resources mentioned in this Episode:
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Kelly Berry (00:00) Hi friends and welcome to or welcome back to Life Intended. Life Intended is a podcast that explores what it means to be true to yourself and live an authentic and purposeful Each episode explores my guests version of personal growth, self discovery, and the pursuit of becoming the best version of themselves, as well as how to find the joy in the Thanks to so many of you who've been listening. Before we get started today, if I can just ask a favor or remind of a favor that I've asked to subscribe to the podcast on whatever app you're listening to and please leave a rating and review. Ratings and reviews are the single best way that new listeners can find the show and for me to grow it. So if you've done so, thank you so much. And if not, please take a second to do that. Okay, so now on to what you're here for today. This might be the most important interview I've done on the show or maybe the one personally that's really interesting to me. But as I've grown the show and I've talked to a lot of experts and guests so far that have helped me to develop my own thinking and I've talked to a lot of listeners, one of the things that's becoming more and more clear to me is how much our mindset impacts literally everything. Our happiness, our accomplishments, our satisfaction, our resilience, our confidence, literally every part of our life and how important it is to develop mindset as we grow, especially in children and in our own children, so that they have the tools necessary to navigate this increasingly complex world that we live in. So I cannot wait for my conversation today with Michelle Blaze. Michelle is a passionate elementary school teacher with over 17 years of experience working with children from grades one to Drawing on her background in psychology, Her mission is to instill confidence and resilience in children through helping them develop a growth mindset. A self -proclaimed recovering perfectionist, she has used the very strategies that she teaches her students to completely transform her own mindset and regulate her nervous system. Michelle now dedicates herself to empowering parents with these proven techniques, believing that parents play the most crucial role in fostering sustainable long -term mindset changes in their children. Welcome, Michelle. It's awesome to have you
Michelle Blais (02:27) I'm so glad to be here. I was telling you right before we started, we did a quick phone call to set this up and just go through a few things and talking to you. It felt like I had known you forever. We had a lot of good conversation topics and I have listened to your podcast and been listening to it leading up to this. So I'm really excited to be on it and I will be leaving a review.
Kelly Berry (02:52) Well, thank you. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, I appreciate that. And, you know, I agree when we talked, it felt like we could talk forever because I think that like we're both just so passionate about this topic. there's so much of our story you know, is is growing up kind of like with that fixed mindset calling ourselves a recovering perfectionist, working on mindset really later in our life and realizing really that the way to change the world, and I know that that sounds like very profound, but really to change the world is to change it through our children and the way that they approach the world. So I'm really excited about this conversation just all of the great stuff that we're gonna learn from you today. So thank you for being here.
Michelle Blais (03:45) Yeah, I can't wait. I'm very excited. And I agree. I think that it's not too big to say that it would be changing the world. Like that's where it starts with the kids. So what can we do now? Because they're going to be our leaders in the future.
Kelly Berry (03:55} Yeah, definitely. So tell us how you got into this topic, became an expert on it, and just what are you doing? What's the work that you're doing to help create a world of kids with a growth mindset?
Michelle Blais (04:16) Yeah, so I started off teaching and the first seven years of my teaching was in an inner city school. There was a lot of need there. And of course I did see anxiety in children as a part of it. I loved the school, amazing. And then after about seven years, I got a different job in a different community. families had one parent that was often able to be at home while the other one worked. These children were very supported, very loved, very like given anything that they would need. And I expected to come to this new school and have overall less needs in my classroom because of the supports that these kids had. And when I got there, I was shocked that there weren't less needs. There were still like, half the class or more that had a lot going on, but the needs were different. These children were highly anxious and afraid to try things that were new and would shut down to anything outside their comfort zone. And it was just so prevalent and it became more and more every year. And since the pandemic, it's, you know, they're coming in even more anxious, I just became obsessed with how can this be true? Their parents are actively seeking to do the right things and, you know, supporting them. And so I just dove deep into the research on growth mindset, Carol Dweck's work from the nineties and then her continued body of work and all the psychologists who have come after that and implementing the strategies seeing it work in my classroom and seeing that, okay, this is not just all these research studies that say that this works. Seeing kids transform one year in my classroom 17 years, I've seen so many transformations. So that's why I got into would say that that's the story that I told up until about six months ago when I went to an event and realized that it's a lot deeper than that. Like that's the reason I got into it. But I recently discovered my undercover reason why I connect so much to this. My mom was sick for a while with cancer and one night I had this dream and it was after doing a meditation. It was like a heart's desire meditation. So it was supposed to be, you know, bringing up what's your true desire, what's your true heart's desire. And I just tried it. It wasn't something I did all the time meditating. And I did this meditation and kind of woke up after having a dream with this idea that, my gosh, I need to share this growth mindset stuff with parents. Like I should create an Instagram account or something or some way to share it with parents. And I remember telling my mom about it and she's like, that's great, honey, thought it was great. And then of course I got busy with my life. Being a teacher, it's, you know, it's for me anyways, it's like all day and then you know I'm working in the evenings and and it kind of consumes me so I put it out of my mind and then my mom passed away and I was forced into taking some time off and realized how much I actually needed a little bit of time off but I went back home and I ended up kind of getting into a state where I was almost afraid to come to where I live. I just was kind of at home and didn't want to leave and got into a depression where grieving, you know, I was, I don't know if it was clinical depression, but triggered by grieving, but I would just wake up every day. And one thing that I would look forward to doing was Tony Robbins ended up having this three day, you know, virtual free thing. And I would, wake up kind of feeling like I didn't want to get out of bed. And then I was like, this Tony Robbins thing is coming on. it would be like, he has such good energy. would be like something to do that day that like brought me good energy. And so, you know, it was like, I think two hours for three days and I woke up and I would watch it. And he talked about everyone has a gift inside of them and about everyone has something to share with the world. you sort of empowering, you can do this and there's people that need to hear your message. And at the end of those three days, I was like, my message is the one that I had told my mom about. Like I do need to share this with parents. And, you know, I was like, okay, I'm gonna do something about it. And then went back to teaching and I love my students and just kind of became enthralled in that again. But I started listening to a few podcasts of other people who'd done things like that. And I ended up connecting with a gentleman who taught people how to create digital courses and signed up for his program just to at least learn how to do it. And I went to one of his events. And like I didn't have a business, anything, but I went to the event and I had a question I really wanted to ask. So I put up my hand and I stood up in front of, I think there were 600 people there. And I said, okay, I don't have a business. I'm a teacher. This is what I'm an expert in as a teacher, helping kids get over their fear of trying new things and develop a growth mindset so they can persevere and be confident. And I'm thinking of putting something out there for parents and the entire crowd like stood up and burst into applause. And I like burst into tears because this was the first that I had spoken about it out loud. Like nobody really knew about it. My husband kind of knew and it was like the secret desire I had and I had finally spoken about and people responded and kind of through the rest of the conference, people would come up to me and say, you're that teacher lady, right? I just want you to know that this is very needed in the world and I'm a parent and this is very needed. so, so that sparked me to actually do it. And you know, I've been working on my own mindset through helping my students, like, I guess I needed, like, that validation definitely helped push me. And now I'm moving to a space where I don't need validation. I can validate myself. And I want that for kids, right? I don't want it to be that a child needs to have somebody tell them that they're good before they believe in themselves. A child is passionate about something, but they need to be told that they're good enough before they'll try to do it. So through doing this, it's definitely bringing up all of my own stuff. So I was like, wait, it's not just that I was seeing this need and I became passionate about helping the kids. it's because the mindset that I've grown up with, and I used to think that being a perfectionist was good because then, like, you know, like everything I would do would be right and it's a good thing to be a perfectionist. I missed out on so many opportunities. I would have been doing this so much sooner if not for my own fear. So, And then I had another kind meltdown situation where I even more clarity, but I don't know. see if we have time in that. But was just like a feeling of, I wish I wasn't having to go through this as an adult. And my parents loved me and my parents did their very best. And they tried to build me up. And unintentionally, You know, I received messages that had me grow up to believe that I needed to be perfect, that I needed to check in with things and make sure everything was just right before I could go out. So yeah, it's been a road anyways from where I started of like, I just want to help children to like, I'm that child as an adult. And it's a lot harder when you're older to that.
Kelly Berry (12:32) Yeah, it is. Yep. And so now here you are starting your How long are you already working with parents or are you just getting that kicked off
Michelle Blais (13:02) I did a beta launch of my program. So I launched it as a beta launch in February, just to, you know, a few people for a beta launch to get some feedback and make some improvements on it. And so I did go through the full cycle of them going through all the modules and we had live calls throughout. And so I've gotten some feedback, I've made some improvements and this coming up is gonna be my first official launch of it. So I have been doing the work, but also recently at the end of the school year, I have decided to let go of my full -time contract teaching and I'll still be teaching on a more casual basis. But I just realized that kind of like this what I'm supposed to do. This is how I'm going to impact more kids is by reaching the parents. I just, think this year it was like just so many things happened. I had connected with some former students who were a bit older and you know, students who were anxious coming into grade three with me and now they're older and finding out You know, I was like, you guys are good to go. Like you've made so much progress. Wow. And realizing that if it's not carried forward as they get older and the people who are the core people in their lives are not using the same language and doing the same things that more than likely they're gonna regress. They're going to, right, go back to their default, which, was hugely alarming to me. And so that has happened several times this year where I've connected with old students. So now I'm going to be diving even more deeper into my work with parents and dedicating more time with it. But I still do get to go into the club like every week, go into schools and work with kids, which I love so much. So yeah, so it's kind of the best of both worlds. I still get to see the kids, but
Kelly Berry (15:08) Awesome. Yeah. Yeah, so as you all are listening to this, I just want to let you know Michelle is going to launch her course again. She's going to have a free webinar and I'll link to that in the show notes and it'll be on social media as well. But if you're interested in finding out more information about her program, she's having an upcoming free webinar so you can learn more about that and see if this is maybe something that you want to explore for your own parenting journey or if would like for maybe your parents as grandparents to explore it or something like that. And we'll talk about, I know Michelle has a lot about the child's whole community as well and who is in the child's life. So we'll get into all of that. But as you're listening, just keep that in the back of your mind there's more than just what Michelle is gonna talk about here today with us. awesome. Well, congratulations on figuring that out, I know that's hard and taking all the steps to get where you are, but it's really So let's get growth mindset and fixed mindset and how that shows up in children and even how you determine which of those mindsets maybe your child has.
Michelle Blais (16:21) Yeah, so somebody with growth mindset, it's like, I think of it as like that child in class who they finish something and they're like, okay, what's next? What's the next challenge? So they're doing math and they're like, I totally get this. Like, give me a harder question, right? They're just in it for the learning and diving in. Whereas the fixed mindset on the other hand is kind they give up easily if they start something and it's a little bit of a challenge. And often they'll be the ones who, you'll have a bunch of questions and they'll be like, I'll be like, try these challenge questions, like just really encouraging everyone to try. And they won't even give it a try because what if I tried and I got it wrong? So what would that mean about me? So often, they're very, very intelligent children. It's just that they need to maintain that image of intelligence. So often they won't try. So that would be a fixed mindset example. Having a growth mindset, you know, as a child they would like seek out feedback and use it to improve. So not just seeking out, tell me this is good, tell me I did a good job, but okay. What do you know, have a look at this. Like, do you have any ideas of ways I could improve? And then they take that feedback and go use it to improve versus a fixed mindset. Often they would have difficulty accepting feedback that wasn't positive feedback. So they're coming to you because they want you to say, wow, what a great job. And if they, you know, if they don't get that from you, like it can be crushing to them. Students like kids with a fixed mindset, they really value being seen as smart. That's their identity. So smart or a good athlete or you know, this about me is very important part of me. So they value that. Whereas somebody with a growth mindset, they value the learning and they value the growth aspect of it and always improving at things. And somebody with fixed mindset, they believe that you're kind of like born smart or not. So it's like, I'm just not good at math. That's just something about me. It's in my DNA. I'm not good at math. And or, you know, my sister, she she's good at math. She write the idea that they're kind of just born one way or the other good at math or not. Whereas somebody with a growth mindset, they believe that it's kind of a blank slate and you can develop most skills with some effort. And so this is not just for children, it's adults, you see it in adults as well. in more recent research, so they used to believe that people were kind of one or the other, like your growth mindset, your fixed mindset. But over the more recent research, they found out that a lot of people, children and adults, you can kind of be a mix of both depending what it is. So somebody might have a very growth mindset with sports, but they might have a fixed mindset with academics or certain things. So most people tend to have a little bit of both, but you're kind of wanting for your kids is you're wanting more so than not, you're wanting them to have the overall growth mindset approach to things.
Kelly Berry (19:58) So you touched on this a little bit in your introduction, but I think it's a very unintentional thing that parents do to kind of instill this fixed mindset. I've talked about this on a couple of podcasts. I also grew up with a fixed mindset. I received a lot of praise. I received a lot of, you're so smart. with intention of being supportive, build me praise, you know, but just like you've talked about, like it had the opposite effect and I've had a lot of work over the years trying to undo all of the things that that has done to me. So how do parents still, you know, like praise their children or support their children while also encouraging like the growth mindset?
Michelle Blais (20:53) Definitely, I totally connect with that. was the older child, so my sisters would probably complain that maybe they heard like, well, look, you know, look what Michelle's doing, right? You want to be more like Michelle. And I was kind of like the older sister who, did everything right and was like the standard for the family, right? And so it was, they thought they were praising me positively and saying, wow, we're so proud of you is what they felt, but unintentionally it caused a lot of pressure. So there are a lot of different, like complex aspects to this, which I can talk about, but I think what I'll focus on is the types of praise. on one hand, I think that parents often over -praise their children. In general, like not even talking about what kind of praise, but kids kind of become addicted to the praise. So they become like showing you everything and they want that feedback. They want that, wow, that's the best drawing I've ever seen. That's so great. And they become addicted to it. And over time, like, you know, they have sort of the people pleasing, right? They want to get that reaction versus something you can do when they bring you something is ask them about it, ask them questions about it. So, look, look, I made this drawing. wow, tell me what inspired you to make that drawing? Like, what made you do it? What's your favourite part of it? And have them talk through it versus just automatically giving them the, that's great, I love it. Because over time doing that, and you say it to everything they give you because you just want them, you want them to keep doing it and working hard. everything they do, you're like, that's great. Even if you follow it up with that's great, keep doing it, keep working on it. It kind of they start to distrust it in a way over time. If everything I do is actually great, like as they go through over time, it builds some distrust. Like sometimes I think they know that it's not their best work, but yet I'm showing it to my mom and my mom is telling me it's so great when actually I know that I just scribbled So that's one aspect of it. And then with regards to praise, I'm not saying don't change or don't praise your children. And the research doesn't say never praise them, but the research does say changing the way that you praise it. instead of praising the person, you are so smart. You are a great athlete. You are so good at math. Praise what they're doing to get there. Wow, you know, I see your math. It really, can see that you worked really hard on that problem and then you didn't give up when you got stuck over here. I saw that you kept working on it. So eventually you got it through your hard work. So you're not praising them as a person, you're praising the actions that they're doing and you're praising them when they persevere on something when they don't give up, when something's hard, when they get knocked down and they get back up. And if you do have to praise the person, praise as you're a hard worker, right? If you're going to say something about them, don't praise their abilities, their innate abilities. You're intelligent, you're a natural athlete, while you're just a natural at piano like my gosh, it's like, you know, the music just comes from you and it's like, you're not even trying. You're saying, my gosh, your hard work has paid off. And what I have seen from you is that you are a hard worker. And so if you're praising the person, you're praising their work ethic versus something that they could attribute to being innate. I could go on forever about this that's just one one part about it is is that praise part
Kelly Berry (25:17) Talk a little bit about rewarding. So I know like another thing that I think is very common is rewarding for good grades, rewarding for, you know, these outcomes or accomplishments. So talk about that and its role in like a fixed or growth mindset.
Michelle Blais (25:37) that's very, that's an interesting question. I'm glad you brought that up. I would not reward them for the outcome. I would reward them for if you're going to choose to reward them, which that's up to each parent if you want to reward them or not, but reward them on seeing through something that was hard. Right? They should be getting that feedback for not giving up, for doing something outside their comfort zone. I'm not a big, personally, I am not a big fan of extrinsic rewards, but that's just personal and I'm not saying that they don't work, but I would suggest that if you're going to extrinsically reward, like give a reward on something, it would be based on them trying something that was hard for them like really wanting to quit soccer after the first day and then they didn't, they kept going. So personally, I have found through all of my years of teaching, I know some teachers love to give out prizes and things like that. I have found that I've been more successful in praising children appropriately on their hard work and their perseverance. And I've seen more growth with that and I've seen more of an increase in their own intrinsic motivation that they want to do it for them versus they want to do it to get this cute pencil. So that is what I've seen over and over again and I know there's different schools of thought on that and but that's my my two cents.
Kelly Berry (27:17) Yeah, it sounds like what I'm hearing you say is, you know, the praise for their effort and helping them see the connection between their effort and the outcome that they're looking for helps them understand what it takes to get there and also builds their confidence. You can go from point A to point B on your own or you can work to get there even if it's hard for
Michelle Blais (27:48) Definitely, yeah, that's exactly it. And I mean, it's also not saying that, because I know that early on in with the research on growth mindset, there was some criticism on some of the beginning research that like, so are you saying that anyone can achieve anything if they put their mind to it? Because that might not be true. Like, it's not saying that, right? If I decided to be an Olympic level swimmer, like, is that true for every, everyone? And so just to talk about that a little bit, it's not saying to your child that you can do anything. Like here's where you are now. And the goal is this so far from it. Like, you know, you're going to go from not reading yet to reading novels by the end of the school that's probably not realistic, but it's more looking at, where are you starting from? And setting a personal goal of like, this is where I'm starting from and having them see that progress from the work. So I put in the work, look at the progress I've made and the progress I've made and the progress I've made. So it's also not setting it too big that like, you know, you could, you know, you're definitely gonna be a famous author one day. Right? And they, you know, they've never written a sentence. They're, you know, they're in kindergarten and start. It's like step by step by step. And yes, you definitely could be a famous, a famous author one day if you keep making the steps towards it. So it's not like an all or nothing, like tell kids that they can do anything and like, right, because that also said sends the wrong message, but it's like giving them feedback as they and them seeing their improvement and it was attributing it to their work. And the strategies they tried, and it doesn't necessarily mean that they have to do it all alone either, right? It's being resourceful. It's not, you have to stick on this math problem until forever, but it's like asking them these prompting questions. Well, what else could you try? Not giving them the strategies, but is there anything else you could try? Do you wanna take a break and come back to it? Or being resourceful, where could you find that information? And having them be proud of how resourceful they can be to get to the answer, and then being really proud of it. And over and over again, I mean, as a teacher, like, would you see that light bulb go on with those kids after them working hard on something and like desperately they're wanting you to just feed it to them, right? Like I know parents doing like homework with their kids, right? You just want to feed it to them and be like, here, like, try it this way. But that light bulb moment when they work through it and they get to the answer with some prompting, it's like nothing else. It's like for me as a teacher, right? It's like nothing else. And it's like nothing else for them too. It's like so much. They're so right versus like if I would have spoon fed it to them. So yeah.
Kelly Berry (31:15) Right, yeah. And then they've learned that they can be resourceful or it's okay if they don't know right out of the gate what the answer is. They now know how to work on a problem and find the answer. And I think in hindsight, that's probably the biggest challenge that I've had as an adult that I've had to overcome is the difference thinking like, if I don't know how to do this, you know, I very much had that mentality. If I don't know how to do this, it must just not be made for me. Like I, it wasn't meant to be. I need to move on and find something that comes And that provided like its own full set of challenges. I think that's a good like segue now into if you have a child that you've praised a lot and that is you're seeing a lot of signs of a fixed mindset, those things that you described like frustration or wanting to give it's not that fun to go from things being easy and knowing the answer to having to work to get the answer. So how as a parent or even if you've contributed to it, how can you help your child work through that and become a child that values working on things or learning over just knowing your being right.
Michelle Blais (32:35) Definitely. So I would say because I've taught children from grade one all the way up to grade five, you can change at any point in your life. Like I have seen kids change across the board in one school year. It's more challenging the older they are. Like I feel like my ideal person is if I could get my hands on every pregnant woman and be like, where's the snow? It's not about you know, sitting down and teaching your children that it's just shifts in the way you do things over time. So just slowly shifting the way that you are. But one, kids definitely can make huge changes in this area. And there's a few things that go along with it. One really important, research backed, and I've been doing this with kids for years is actually teaching them about their brains teaching the children about actually what happens in your brain when you make a mistake and when you work through it versus you just get an answer that you know. So there is so much research on brain malleability and the fact that when somebody gets stuck on something and they work through it, even if they don't end up getting the answer, but when in the process of working, the neurons are like firing and making connections and they've tracked this on scans. And so a part of what I help parents do is to actually in a really, really fun way, teach your kids about their brains and teach about like what is happening when you're trying that hard thing. And then they learn about it. And I gotta tell you, teaching about the brain is not in my official curriculum, but I do it every year. by far, it's the thing that parents come and tell me about. Parent -teacher conference, we're supposed to be talking about math, and they're like, my gosh, Billy was talking about his hippocampus, telling us all about what's happening in his brain. And so overwhelmingly through the years, it's what kids love learning about, because it's like, wow, I can learn about myself. They want to learn about themselves and make those connections. So I've got some really fun ways that parents can actually teach their children about their brains and then use it when they're working on something like, wow, how many more new connections did you make after that math problem? my gosh, like so many. they're like, yeah, like so many connections. And we talk about it like stretching your brain, growing your brain, right? And so getting them to buy into it and be like interested in learning about their brain and then using it in your conversation like, my gosh, like I barely used any neurons for that task, right? It's just something I do all the time. I probably didn't get too many new connections from that and just infusing it in. So a lot of what I teach is just shifting things in your language and making shifts over time. It's not actually about sitting down with your child and being like, okay, we're gonna sit down and learn this. It's more about kind of shifting everything you do in a really gentle way over time that makes a significant impact. But one of the direct teaching points that has really been shown, and I've seen it, is actually teaching them about their brain and then using that as a jumping off point. And that works with regards to trying challenges, they can connect that way, but also with regards to regulating themselves as well. So talking about the parts of their brain that, like the amygdala, I have so many kids. Well, there's one kid, just a funny story. They were playing soccer and he got really angry and he pushed someone and I was like, my gosh, okay, so we're solving the problem and he's just I'm really sorry, but it was just like, I got so angry in the moment that he said my goal didn't count. He's like, my amygdala just took over. And I was like, my gosh, like I was like secretly so proud, right? So proud, but you know, clearly there still had to be a consequence for the pushing, like getting them understanding like what happens and like, okay, my amygdala might start trying to take over sometimes and what can I do to calm it down. yeah, so teaching about the brains helps with both of those. And then the other component is regulation. So helping your children understand when they're starting to feel dysregulated, not waiting until it's too late because there zero percent chance if you try to sit down with your child when you're doing homework with them and they're already melting down and storming out of the room, if you follow them and try to have a growth mindset conversation with them, there is no chance that they're going to respond to you. it's, they don't, their brain doesn't have the capacity to let that sink in. So it's about first of all, helping them understand when they're starting to get those feelings of the beginning of being dysregulated and what you can do at that stage because that's like that's gonna be more helpful. And also I talk about even when you know something's going to be a stressful situation, how do you like preemptively pump up some good vibes? So I've got confident kids playlist. So it's a bunch of really like, you know, high vibes, songs or songs with really positive messages in, but like as a part of a routine, if school, going to school is an issue and they're melting down, they don't wanna go to school, like getting it as a part of your breakfast routine that you play a fun song in the morning. There's also so much research on music and how music can change moods. So like proactively doing some of these things as a part of your day or when you know something stressful is coming to prevent them getting there in the first place. And I mean, we could have lots of podcasts on this, but also learning to regulate your own nervous system as well. So if you're not regulated and you're coming at your child from your dysregulation, then that, it triggers them. It's like back and forth. Also so much I could talk about with regards to how can we as adults regulate ourselves not going there. But self -regulation is a big piece of it.
Kelly Berry (39:41) So what does dysregulation look like in a child?
Michelle Blais (39:45) So part of this is helping them to understand it with you. So it could look different from child to child, but some typical things that kids might say in my class when they're starting to understand when they might start to feel it is like little tummy aches. So like tummy aches in school, I've realized are very rarely due to like actual indigestion. their bodies. They're nervous, right? So they're starting to have tummy aches or, know, maybe they just feel like they need to get up and move, right? Like they feel like they just can't sit. Like they just have this burst of like, I just need to get out of here. I just need to get out of my desk. So that could be a signal for another child or just like. Some kids will say like, just have like a bad feeling, right? Like, I just like, don't know why, just like I'm starting to like, just have a bad feeling. it's like sweating. So, you know, kind of working with them on, on, okay, like after it happens and once they're calm, well, how are you starting to feel before it happened? Like never talk about it when it's happening, but at the end it's just kind of like, I notice that, you know.
Kelly Berry (40:59) Mm -hmm.
Michelle Blais (41:05) It always happens that my tummy feels weird, you know, before it gets worse. So working with them to identify their own triggers, but there are universal ones that also for adults too, right? You start to sweat, your heart starts to pound. You know, there's universal signs of anxiety, but.
Kelly Berry (41:27) Mm -hmm. Yeah. Yeah. So, I wasn't really expecting to go into this, but I like it as a kind of an extension because I think like in order for you to help your child to develop a growth mindset and to, to stay in the moment with them and be able to be patient, you know, I know that, you know, kids and their parents can be very triggering to each other. So if you're in a pattern of like this constant back and forth triggering, whether it's at homework you know, name a thousand things that kids and parents can get into this cycle about, like, how do you see it, stop it, and help to prevent it in the future?
Michelle Blais (42:07) Yeah, so one thing, like there's this teacher at my school and she was like, she was just always seemed even keeled. And you know, there would be children go up through the grades and be displaying certain behaviors in every grade. Kindergarten up to grade four and then they go in her grade five class and then she just doesn't see the behaviors. And it was because she was just an expert at regulating herself and not giving those reactions. And so over the years, many years, like I'm not saying for 17 years, I've been the regulated teacher, but for the last five or six years, I've been really working on that. And so so true that you feed off each other. Every single year for 17 years that I've been teaching, the entire school during the week that report cards are due, the entire school, every teacher is like, my gosh, what's with my class? My kids are just off and they're just like, the behaviors I'm seeing, and it's across the board, the kids that are at the office, it's always the week that report cards are due. And I tell the teachers, I was like, this is not an accident that for 17 years the same week report cards are due. It's because we're bringing in our energy and they feed off of it as much as we try not to. So for me, the same strategies that it's interesting, the same strategies that I work through with my students, I do them along with with them. So the different breathing exercises, you know, I do some teach them mindful walking, all these different things that I teach them, I do them myself as a part of my routine. Like every night before I go to bed, do I do a series of, of breathings that puts me to sleep every night. And all of this came from me teaching them. So it's important for parents to be doing their own regulation and taking as a part of your routine, even if it's just when you wake up in the morning. And then something I really, really worked on is when something happens, I mean, I've been in every situation that could possibly happen, but like standing there and a child throws a chair at me and instead of instinctively responding right away, taking two breaths, like just stopping and taking breaths and pausing before engaging is everything, right? And it takes practice and it's not easy, but it's not only your child's nervous system, right? It's yours too. And so I have found in the years that you know people say to me like wow you're so good right like these kids had these behaviors and you know you do such a good job with them like what are you doing and a lot of it has comes down to I help them regulate themselves and create an environment where they feel comfortable and they feel safe but also I feel that way right I go into class like school starts at 10 to nine and I'm, I mean, I'm there for various reasons, but I go in at 730 and part of me being in there is me doing my own, like getting regulated for the
Kelly Berry (46:02) Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Yeah. So this reminds me of, and I think there are so many things like this, like when you're pregnant and when you're about to have a baby, you learn so many things about behavior, but one of them is like, you know, the baby can feel your energy and your anxiousness. So as long as you stay calm, the baby will stay calm. And that is hard when you have a baby that is like crying and screaming at you, but the more you are like, you know, taking deep breaths and not getting all anxious about it, you know, the baby will then calm down. But it's like you forget to carry that with you as the child grows, you know, and then you get into these back and forth habits where, you know, you're anxious and they're anxious or you're mad, then they're mad. you know, if you're running late and everything is chaotic in the morning, like the day is going to be chaotic, you know, and so just thinking about this, makes so much sense. Like if you can learn to stop in the moment and you know, really like the work just because you've raised this child, like the work isn't done. Like you still have to continue to work on your own behaviors to help them work on theirs. So I think that that's just really, isn't something that I expected to get out of this conversation, but I love that. And it's so true, especially when you see like, and hear friends talk who have like teens and preteens and all of the emotions and things like that, you know, it's just you can really see where you can get into that cycle of trigger, trigger, trigger, trigger, and it just never ends.
Michelle Blais (47:33) Definitely. And also like to give yourself grace as you're going through it, like it's not gonna happen overnight, right? Like things are things that like they're gonna be permanent changes you're gonna make over a series of time, but like it's not like it's going to like happen overnight, right? So to give yourself grace with it because, but truly like there's all these facets that work together. And initially, I wasn't going to include the regulation piece as a part of it. I was more like, okay, like they need the specific other strategies. And then I was like, no, this is so key to it because try any of these strategies you want when your child is in the middle of a meltdown. I'm like, they're not gonna help. Right? So like it is,
Kelly Berry (48:11) Right, yeah. So I think that's a good segue because we've talked about a lot of, you know, what it is, how to help kids. So talk a little bit more about your upcoming program, what that looks like for parents, what you're going to help them be able to do by going through that.
Michelle Blais (48:47) Definitely. basically, it's their pre -recorded modules each on a different topic. And so it takes you through feedback and your language. So there's a whole section on that. And basically, you would go through the module. And then at the end of that module, I would have a live call to kind of do more of a deep dive on it where you can come on the call and I could talk even further about it in person and answer some questions. And so they could submit questions on that topic as they're going through and then I can kind of bring them up on the live call. So it's got both of their components, but it talks about the key factors. So the feedback, your languaging, how parents like modeling your own failures kind of goes in there giving some kids, some parents really good resources on how to help teach their children about their brain. And I also include a really good picture book, just as a bonus of the program. So it's a really good picture book that I use in my classroom. That's a fun way to do it. But they would go through that module on how to teach your child about their brain. And then there would be the live call and we would go through and we'd do more of a deep dive in and answer any questions. So, and there's always replays for the call. So what I like about it is they're, they can kind of do it at their own pace, right? They don't have to finish it right away. One module will open after each live call. So it kind of, it sort of forces them in a way to try out the one thing for a while before learning the next thing. So, you you try out some different feedback for that week and then you learn the next thing. There's also a section on self -regulation. So going through some specific regulation strategies for kids and kind of teaching those strategies and also for the adults. And then I've got a whole section called Family Failure Fund. So it's actually some very specific family fun games and activities that you guys can do together. Kind of like the purpose of it is that everyone's gonna fail and kind of coaching you through how to model that for your kids and how to let loose a bit and go through that. So it's kind of like the whole picture released over time. And then with, because it's my first time actually launching it outside of the beta it's gonna be where the people for this round, if they join me and sign up for it, I'm gonna give them access, like lifetime as I continue to improve it. So I'm always adding new things. So as I get feedback, as I introduce new things, it's gonna build out, but they'll be kind of with me as like sort of family community to go through, you know, all of the changes and they can be a part of the live calls for the next round. I'm so excited about it. I literally like I cannot wait. I'm so excited to share this and yeah.
Kelly Berry (52:06) Yeah, it is exciting. Congratulations. It's just super important And I love that you're doing it. I think like the first maybe four episodes of my podcast, the book Mindset came up in every single conversation. So that's always kind of like a recommended starting point for I've said it even before I became a parent that I think like every parent should read Mindset. Probably every grandparent should read Mindset also. But I think like, you know, Michelle has a couple of downloads and tools, a list of books for children that help them understand like what a growth mindset is, or just even talk about and have conversations. You know, these are children's books, like, you know, that you would read with your child. Yeah, yeah, So I have that list and yeah, this is great. Is there anything else that you wanted to talk about we haven't gotten to touch on? I know we're getting close to time, but it
Michelle Blais (52:51) Yeah, picture books. Yeah, picture books. Yeah, I mean, there's so much, I think it's probably safe to stop here because there's so much I could talk about that like we will never get off this call. So I think it's, you know, we can stop here. It doesn't mean that, you know, we can't have another conversation another time. But I definitely will probably go on for another hour if you don't.
Kelly Berry (53:05) It was green. Yeah. Well, as I mentioned, Michelle's Instagram, her link to her upcoming webinar are in the show notes. So please follow her. open to any questions, any reach outs that you have. If you have a situation or are wondering if her program or course is right for you, then definitely let her know. But this is awesome. I'm excited.
Michelle Blais (53:51) Sure yay and the webinar is going to be it's going to be on August 8th however I mean if this comes out and people hear it after that I will be having more you know throughout the year so you know Instagram is a good place to find me if you ever want to check in if I have anything upcoming you know any free webinars coming up I'll be having them throughout the year too so if you miss
Kelly Berry (54:14) Awesome. Yep. Well, thank you, Michelle. This is so You're doing great work. I can't wait to see how many lives and children and where it all It's a lot of people who need it.
Michelle Blais (54:27) Yeah, thank you. so, yeah, I'm thankful to be on here and to be able to kind of share it out with even more people. So thank you.
Kelly Berry (54:34) Yeah. Yep. Thank you so much and we will talk to you later.
Michelle Blais (54:38) Okay.
Kelly Berry is a strategic business leader and business coach. She is known for her operational excellence and her ability to drive growth and results across multiple industries.
She is also hosting her own podcast, Life Intended.
